One of the more popular pages in the ever-popular deadpan.net domain is my Sitcom Format 101 page. That’s where I make like the Oracle and give examples of proper script format and advice on getting started writing for sitcoms. (Given my lack of success to date in that endeavor this advice might be suspect, but some of it actually is pretty solid.) It’s this advice that generates more email than anything else on the entire site, more than even the Mojave Phone Booth page ever did, and that was a Cool Site of the Year nominee. The thing is that almost all of this email reveals that aspiring writers are extremely fooking stoopid.

The highlights from the advice I give are:

1. Move to LA if you want to write for TV.
2. Do not send your spec scripts to the shows they’re written for.
3. Do not write a pilot as a spec.

I think it’s pretty straightforward advice and I think I wrote it pretty clearly. When I read it over, as I do almost every time I get a stoopid fooking email, I just can’t see why there’s any confusion. And yet there must be, because I am asked the same questions over and over and over and over again:

1. Do I really have to move to LA to write for TV?
2. So you’re saying I shouldn’t send The Simpsons my Simpsons spec?
3. I’ve got a great idea for a pilot. Should I write it?

Those are the top three. I also get a lot of “I’m not a writer and I don’t want to be one, but I have a great idea for a sitcom. How can I get someone to write it for me?” and “Do you have any samples of sitcom format?” but those are the most frequent. I understand now why it’s so hard to get a script to anyone in this town: writers are fooking stoopid.

Here’s the latest submission, received just this morning:

Hello,
I was just perusing your page, and I have a question about specs.
>>>>Don’t send your “Friends” to “Friends”…or your “Ellen” to “Ellen,”

I have written a script for Law and Order: Criminal Intent, but you’re saying that I should not send it to that show?

Fooking. Stoopid.

She actually copy and pasted from my page to ask me the question and answered herself as she did it — and still asked the question. And she went downstairs to the sub-sub-subgenius basement in asking me this question in the first place since my page is clearly about sitcoms and she’s asking me about a 1-hour drama!

Fooking. Stoopid.

I used to politely answer these idiots, but I quickly ran out of patience with that. I’m still struggling to be the Nice Guy and just delete them unanswered. But one of these days I’m going to give in to my primal urge. One of these days I’m going to answer them:

1. Do I really have to move to LA to write for TV?

Oh no, you don’t, I meant everyone else. You are such a natural talent that you’ll be able to work from anywhere in the world. You’ll be hired sight (and spec) unseen and will be able to work a deal where you can be teleconferenced in on table reads and brainstorming sessions and rehearsals and all the other bullshit that most writers have to actually be present for. You can break into Hollywood from the comfort of Bumfuck, IA, so don’t even think about inconveniencing yourself for a career many people would kill for.

2. So you’re saying I shouldn’t send The Simpsons my Simpsons spec?

Did I say that? Shit, I’m sorry, that was a typo. I meant you should definitely send your specs to the show they’re written for. That part where I said the show’s producers don’t want to see it because they know they can’t be impartial and would rather see something from a different show was just a joke. You should definitely send it in. Yours will be different; they’ll love it.

3. I’ve got a great idea for a pilot. Should I write it?

Yes. Immediately. Tell me what network and night you want it to be on and I’ll start working my contacts while you’re writing so we can lock it into the lineup. It’s sure to be pure fucking genius, so there’s not a moment to waste. This will be the show that changes the world, I can just feel it.

If I’ve learned one thing from this webpage, it’s this: No good deed goes unpunished.