Bring your own fork

January 19, 2005 - Wednesday

 Does This Suit Make Me Look Cold?

Beth spoke the other day about our new guilty TV pleasure, The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search. It’s fine programming, to be sure, and tonight’s episode promises to be outstanding — literally. Here’s the program description Tivo gives for it: Contestants undergo the rigorous volleyball challenge and a photo shoot in extremely cold temperatures.

My comment to Beth on seeing that: “A swimsuit photo shoot in extremely cold temperatures? Every red-blooded heterosexual man in America is going to tune in for that one.”

Including me. See ya…

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 Award-Winning Customer Support

The customer support department at the company I used to work for provides what they call “award-winning customer support.” What they don’t tell you is what the award they won was. My advice to all users at the sites I worked with was “Don’t call them — ever” because I knew that it had to be a “Worst Possible Performance” award. Really, they were a gang of halfwits. I know everyone always says that about whatever customer support they’re dealing with, but these people really were stupid. If you looked up “stupid” in the dictionary, there’d be a space for a picture of them but instead of the picture there would be a notice saying that the picture didn’t come out because they didn’t take the lens cap off the camera. They were dmub!

I’ve ranted about them here before. Read about my love of them here, here, here, here, here and here.

I bring this up because I got a call today from the Santa Barbara site I converted to the software back in February. They had a problem with pulling a report that customer support just couldn’t solve after multiple calls, and customer support’s final diagnosis was that “Your computer must be broken.” Seriously, that’s what they told her. The software is working fine in every way but one, so the computer is broken. Incredible.

So I helped her out. Now, bear in mind that I haven’t seen the software in nearly five months — I left the company 3.5 months ago and I basically slacked my way through my last month there literally without doing any work at all. So it’s been awhile, it’s not like I’m fresh on using it.

It took me two minutes to get her what she needed. And about 90 seconds of that was me talking myself through the steps to help me remember what the screens looked like.

I think that deserves an award.

In related news, my voicemail there is still up with my last message. Give it a listen at (949) 425-3344.

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January 13, 2005 - Thursday

 Searching For Bobby Fischer’s Coach

Look, I don’t mean to keep harping on Craigslist but there’s just too much comedy over there for me to ignore it. Here’s an ad I came across today from their “Help Wanted” section:

Effervescent Chess Coaches Needed
STAR Chess is hiring chess coaches for spring and summer. If you are sparkling personality with a passion for chess and you would like to teach kids the most fantastic game ever invented then this job is for you. Make no bones about it! We want teachers who can teach kids chess in a fun and exciting way. Effervescent chess professionals welcome! Working with kids from K-6 in the classroom and a basic understanding of the rules and tactics is a must. FBI background and health screening for TB will be required. We pay well so we expect only the best. Actors, singers and dancers welcome. If you have what it takes then reply to this ad. If you are not sure, try tax accounting. We hear the IRS is hiring.

Why do I think they won’t be getting many any responses to this ad? Look, I like chess, I used to love playing it as a kid, but are there really people who think it’s “the most fantastic game ever invented”? And if there are, do you really think they’d be “effervescent”? And if they are, would you want them working with kids, even if they can pass an FBI background check? And even if there are effervescent chess professionals who can pass the FBI background check and who won’t be weird with kids, are these people likely to be actors, singers and dancers? I think whoever wrote this ad is living in a dream world.

But I totally agree with the TB test requirement. That shit’s scary.

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January 12, 2005 - Wednesday

 The Dawn Of Reason — Sort Of

As stated before, Zoe is pretty close to being hip to the whole Santa thing. Tonight, she took a big swing at his Spring-time partner in crime, the Easter Bunny. And missed.

Zoe called me into her room after being tucked into bed to ask me a question, and she insisted on getting a “for real, serious, not kidding answer.” Those are in short supply around here but I told her I’d try. Her question: “Is Mom the Easter Bunny?” I ducked it: “Um… I dunno. Why?”

Zoe proceeded to tell me that she’s sure Beth is the Easter Bunny because last Easter, after she had gotten her Easter basket and found all the eggs and candy that had been hidden, she went into Beth’s office to get something, and in Beth’s trash she found the wrappers from all the candy and toys in her basket. So she put two and two together and decided it was obvious that Mom is the Easter Bunny. Which means that Mom dresses up in a bunny suit on Easter morning and goes around putting Easter baskets on people’s front porches and hiding eggs and candy for their kids to find.

She was so so close to figuring it out … and then she lost her mind.

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I just spent the last 15 minutes having a conversation with Zoe’s Magic 8 Ball. Apparently, good things are in my future but it can’t tell me just what they are right now. I’m supposed to ask again later. Also, George Bush is secretly married to Lindsay Lohan, she really hasn’t had a boob job, and there is a fleet of intergalactic battle cruisers from the Andromeda Galaxy docked on the far side of the moon waiting for Celine Dion to give the attack signal during her August 29th performance at Caesars Palace Coliseum in Las Vegas.

This thing is loaded with information! You just have to ask the right questions.

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January 11, 2005 - Tuesday

 Leaving The Joneses Behind

I don’t want to brag, but I took our Christmas lights down on January 3 and we boxed up the fake tree two days ago. We haven’t put any of it away yet, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves — the point is that we’ve de-Christmased our house, and BEFORE a few of our neighbors did!!! This year, finally, at long last, we won’t be the family with Christmas decorations up for 4th of July.

I’m so proud I could cry.

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January 7, 2005 - Friday

 Getcher Gmail

I have a four more Gmail invitations to give away so I’m opening up bidding for them. The price is a joke. Good joke, bad joke, doesn’t matter.

I gave a few away on Craiglist recently (they should be paying me for all this free publicity, shouldn’t they?) and actually got a halfway decent joke out of it. Here ’tis, just to get you started:

Q: Why couldn’t the littlest pirate get into the movie?
A: It was rated Arrrrr!!!!!

Want a gmail invite? Post a joke in my comments.


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 I’m Pathetic. Love Me?

Every once in awhile I get bored with beating Beth and making Zoe scrub the entire house with a mascara brush, and when I get that bored it takes something really extra special to lift me up and entertain me. In times like that I turn to Craigslist, to the Casual Encounters section. This is where the oversexed whack-jobs of LALALand post desperate come-ons, looking to hook up with other losers like themselves who have no play in the real world and standards so low they fail to register on even the most sensitive of meters.

My personal favorites are the ones that have pictures attached. These are almost always from guys, are almost always shot with a camera phone, and are almost always a picture of a carefully pumped and posed penis … that usually has an unfortunate kink somewhere along its oily length. But the cockshots aren’t what I’m there for. (Really, they’re not. Really!) I’m looking for the guys who are so completely clueless that they’ve included a picture of their face, because their write-up is usually so painfully earnest and desperate and clumsy that it’s worth enduring the cockshots to find them. And also, well, let’s be honest: I’m comparing my own unit to the cockshots. And, well, let’s be really honest: sometime it’s not so good for my ego. But I endure. For the comedy.

So let me now share with you a few choice selections from tonight’s perusal of the ads of the lustlorn:

I’m hot as hell tonight…. i want a hot time with a REAL man~reg stud – 28
I am not attracted to ‘homosexuals’
or at least the kind where you can tell
I want what is called a REGULAR man
and a total partier badboy
eh well sensitive is good.. but only if you’re HOT

I want a homosexual experience -- without the homosexual

Okay, no weenie action there — but we do have a guitar stunt cock. And he’s discriminating, too — he wants a gay experience, but not with someone gay. Unless he’s HOT, that is. Gotta draw — and cross — the line somewhere!

Class of '03!

I love this one just because he included his yearbook picture. And also because he was so friggin’ stupid that he didn’t crop his name off of it before posting it. But I’m a nice guy, so I cropped it for him before posting it here to make fun of him. But I’m sorry, I have no sympathy for a guy with a 9 inch unit. I should have such problems!

I am a very caring attractive male looking for a wonderful female friend who would like to find sensuality and companionship. Ideally I would enjoy intimacy like massage, touch and conversation without sex. I am very safe, romantic and nurturing. I am drug and disease free and expect you to be as well. My personality is one where I always have a shoulder for you to lean on.

There was a picture with this one but I didn’t include it because I want this entry to be some semblance of work-safe. Let’s just say that it was a view of his manhood that was most impressive.

(Beth tracked this ad down after reading the 1st draft of this entry. Her comment on seeing his picture? “Holy cow!!!” Greeeaaatttt… Just what I wanted to hear from my wife.)

I’m including this one because I just loved the naked honesty of his plea for friendship and massage and conversation without sex … along with a shot of his naked manhood and a title promising erogenous zone-specific massage. FOR WOMEN! I dunno, I think maybe this guy has ulterior motives; I don’t think friendship is what he has in mind.

ARE YOU COLD??? I can help… – m4w – 35
Ok ladies…I heard about this guy fixing computers in trade for fun between the sheets…well, I just happen to be in the heating and air conditioning business. I am a single guy who loves hot sexy women…so, I can come over and heat you up, and when I’m done…you could heat me up, between the sheets. Let me know what you think…
Packin' Heat

Woop! Woop! Woop! Warning, warning! Playa alert, playa alert!
Oh, man, does this guy have a rap or what? And sly, with that “between the sheets”? HoooooWEEE!!! And how ’bout that picture? With that rap and those guns, who cares what his face looks like? He’s in!!! (Beth says I should tell you that he blacked out his face, not me. I’m just the messenger.)

*****Anyone up for some fun? – m4w****** – 25
Hello there! Are there any ladies out there that would be interested and grabbing a quick bite to eat and just sit around and chat for awhile? We could spend the night hanging out talking, doing stuff, or where ever it ends up going. No expectation, just looking for some good company. I’m 25, 5’9″ and here’s a picture. Drop me a line if you are interested in doing something fun =)
Quick Bite?

Awww… What a nice guy. And so sincere! He just wants to enjoy a meal with you, chat, hang out, do “stuff” and … where ever it ends up going. But no expectations! And don’t let the fact that he posted this in the hookup section give you the wrong idea. He’s not looking for sex. Probably. Maybe. Riiiiight.

Okay, one last one before I put a stop to this nonsense.

Virginity anyone? – m4w – 23
Plain and simple, I want to lose my virginity. Yes I am actually a virgin, I am not doing this as a ploy to get laid, believe me I could have if I wanted to. I really just want to loose it to a stranger to avoid any weird feelings amoung friends. Please send a picture with your reply, I am not desperate like most of the guys on here. I know this because when I posted an ad earlier, I received a couple responses from women, but many more from men, even though my post stated clearly “no men please”. If you are interested let me know. Talk to you you soon. NO MEN, I am not interested in you, I don’t care how discreet you are.

He’s a virgin. Really. No, really, he is. And he’s not desperate, not like most of the guys here. Really, he’s not. He’s NOT! Stop laughing! Stop it! It’s not funny! Stop!


So, yeah, that’s what I do for fun, I read these things and laugh and make fun of the guys posting them. I’m shallow, shoot me. I find it entertaining. And lest you think I’ve been really mean or somehow unethical in posting these things here, let me remind you that they posted them first. All I did was copy it…

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January 6, 2005 - Thursday

 I Got An Award!

Woo hoo, go me! My new best friend Jo over at Spanglemonkey has given me an award, the Best L.A. Blogger Offering Liberal Pie-Blogging to the Populace Award 2004!

Woo! And also: whew! I was afraid she was going to give me the The Blog That Mentioned a Dog Most Often This Year award because of that entry with the pictures of Billy and Suki flaunting their naughty bits, but she obviously saw that there’s more to me than dog bellies. I couldn’t be prouder.

You too can get an award! She’s handing them out like an Orange County suburbanite with candy on Halloween night. Head on over and ask for one! “It’s a traffic magnet!”

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 The Good Son

I leapt out of bed today, determined to climb out of the Pit o’ Pity from which I posted the last entry. (And thanks to all y’all for your positive strokes, btw.) I sat down at my computer, filled with the power of positive thinking, and opened my email to find…

Dramatic pause.



And for far too long.

…an email from the Business Manager of the radio station I just sent my resume to yesterday for an opening they have for a Traffic Manager using the software I’ve trained people on for the last three years. And he said…

Oh look.

More dramatic pausing.


And yet effective.

In my mind, at least.

… “Sorry, we’ve already filled the position, the new guy starts Monday. But we’ll keep your resume on file.”

So clearly David is right: the Universe, Fate, whatever it calls itself — it doesn’t like to be called a motherfucker. And I’m probably doomed for the next year.

So much for positivity.

So I went over to my mom’s house, where I installed a new pull-out spray wand faucet on her kitchen sink and put a peephole 4 feet off the ground in her front door so she can see who’s knocking without having to climb up on a chair to use the original normal-sized-human peephole.

Because when you’re down in the dumps, the best thing to do is to get out of yourself and do something for someone else. Because at least then you’ll have accomplished something.

For someone else, at least.

So my mom’s condo has been improved and has thus gained incredible value on the real estate market and my mom is happy. So I’ve got that going for me.

And Fate… Fate can kiss my hairy white ass.

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About Me

Poisoning minds since 1962.

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One Year Ago Today (ish)



January 2005
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