Today is my first day among the unemployed. I’ll admit, I’ve been a little nervous about what I’ll do next, but then I found a God-sent email in my inbox when I got up this morning.

It seems there’s a company with something like $65,000,000 tied up in Nigeria in a failed business deal after the principal of the company and his entire family died in a tragic car accident. I’m not clear on all the particulars or why they chose me, but I was contacted by the brother of the neighbor of the nephew of the company’s window-washer’s 3rd cousin to help them get the money out of Nigeria. And they made an offer I can’t refuse! If I help get the money out by acting as an agent for the company and letting them move the money through my bank account, they’ll give me 25% of it for helping and another 5% for expenses!

That’s $19,500,000! Just for being a nice guy!

Boy, this email couldn’t have come at a better time. Whew.

What a surprise. Rumsfeld is coming clean that, well, heh heh, I guess there really wasn’t all that much of a link between Iraq and Al Queda after all. No link at all, actually. But someone developed a really tortured description of how the non-link really could have maybe possibly kinda sorta been close to being a link, and we used that as our excuse for attacking Iraq in response to the September 11 attacks …. but it really wasn’t a link, not really. Dunno who did that, though. (Picture Rummy peering owlishly around the room, but pointedly not looking at himself.) Oopsie. But, hey, we’re all better off with Saddam in jail now, aren’t we? (And Osama bin Laden says, “Amen, brother!”)

And still the sheep will vote for Bush next month, bleating empty platitudes all the way.

Stolen from Beth, who stole it from someone else, who stole it from someone else, who stole it from… Etc. Posting it because … why not.

Bolded items have been done. Non-bolded are on the To Do list.

(It’s probably worth mentioning that most of the items Beth and I have both done, we haven’t done together.)

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said �I love you” and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby’s diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Rode on a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it.
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Rode a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. …more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone’s heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Rode on a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Rode a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. …and gotten 86′ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via Blogger
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

I watched the VP debate last night. I thought Cheney was boatloads smarter than Bush (but then so is Bush’s teleprompter), and Edwards performed well. Edwards didn’t blow me away, but he didn’t blow up either. I’d have to call this one a draw.

Cheney did get a couple of good ones in, and when he hit Edwards with the line about “The first time I ever met you was when you walked on the stage tonight” — suggesting that Edwards is routinely absent in the Senate chambers — I thought he’d landed his best blow of the night.

Too bad it wasn’t true.

Oh look, it’s Cheney sitting next to Edwards at a senate prayer breakfast. Three and a half years ago, on February 1, 2001.

They also met on April 8, 2001 during a taping of NBC’s Meet the Press, and again on Jan. 8, 2003, when Cheney presided over Elizabeth Dole’s swearing-in as a North Carolina senator.

Cheney’s reported response after the debate on being “reminded” he’d already met Edwards several times? “Oh yeah.”

Yeah.

And let’s not forget about the Iraq/Al Queda “link.” After touring the country for more than a year and doing all the news shows and leaping at every opportunity to link Iraq to the attacks of September 11th, Cheney has the balls to say that he never suggested there was a link. He’s got some brass ones, I’ll give him that. And the crazy thing about it is that people believe it. People believe it.

It’s incredible how blatantly this administration lies. And how easily they get away with it.

Ba-a-ah! Ba-a-ah! Bu-u-ush!

Shamelessly stolen from Gavin. Because why not?

3 THINGS…

…I am wearing right now

1. Peace Scuba T-shirt
2. 8 gauge silver 1/2″ CBR, right ear
3. New Balance crosstrainers

…on my desk

1. 3-week old stack of unopened mail
2. 2 quarters, a nickel, and 10 pennies
3. A paintball gun I’ve been planning to eBay for more than a year

…I want to do before I die

1. Sell a big budget script
2. Learn to fly
3. Watch Zoe fall in love

…good things about my personality

1. Comedy, baby!
2. Sarcastic
3. Trustworthy

…bad things about my personality

1. Sarcastic
2. Curmudgeon
3. Anger issues

…I like about my body

1. All the parts are there
2. All the parts work
3. All the parts are mine

…I don’t like about my body

1. Certain parts aren’t as hairy as they used to be
2. Certain parts are hairer than they used to be
3. Certain parts are larger than they used to be

…most people don’t know about me

1. I’m an ordained minister
2. I ran away from home at age 7 with a suitcase full of socks
3. I was banned by the court from entering the city of Burbank, CA

…I say the most

1. Are you all right?
2. Yo.
3. Alllllll righty then!

…I want to go to

1. Greece
2. Cozumel
3. Bed with Charlize Theron

…names that I go by

1. Chuck
2. Keith
3. Asshole

…screen names I have had

1. Opus
2. CHUD
3. Wordsmith

Here’s an excerpt from an email my 75-year old mom sent me last night:

I had a callback on a Staples commercial which, I’m sorry to report, I did not get. Boo Hoo. But I’m just happy to be getting sent out at all considering my commercial agent just died and I wasn’t sure what was going to happen. [Emphasis mine - Chuck]

Yes, Mom’s a sweet old girl — for someone who’s in the business.

I have an 8:00 a.m. flight to San Francisco Friday morning and I’ll be home in time to pick Zoe up from school. Send some good vibes my way (and you ROUSes out there, you go ahead and send me your patented bad vibes — they’ll probably help me even more) and I might have some good news to report.

I’m flying Southwest. (Ugh.) Fortunately, I’ve been watching the A&E TV show Airline, so I’ve picked up some valuable tips for flying Southwest. Example: Don’t get drunk before boarding. You tend to miss your flight that way.

(As an aside, I almost feel like a grown-up when I do stuff like this. Flying up to San Francisco just for a few hours? How mature of me!)

The debate is going on right now, but I haven’t seen any of it yet. I’m Tivoing it for later. But when I do watch it, I’ll watch it with an even more cynical eye because this seems to me that it’s very, very plausible:

Does the Commander in Chimp wear a wireless earpiece so the brains of the outfit can play Cyrano de Bergerac and whisper sweet nothings (and complete sentences) in his ear during these debates? I’ll bet he does.

Beth is doing the Blogger Boobie-thon again this year, so of course I had to help her. It’s hard being married sometimes, what with all the chores and favors and honey-do’s; sometimes it seems like it’s just one thing after another. And then sometimes it’s hard because you’re getting to take semi-nudie pix of your wife and help “compose” the picture, which is something completely different.

So, yeah, she’s semi-baring her boobies for free now and totally baring them later to people who donate more than $100. I’ll get to take that picture too. It’s hard, doing those kinds of chores.

Anyway, because I’m all about being supportive and have no shame and am nothing if not a joiner, I figured I’d contribute a picture to the Boobie-thon too. (Yes, they accept mens’ pictures — they even request them, so it’s not just me and my ego working here.) Unlike Beth, though, I’m not going to be coy about it. I’ll go ahead and show you the picture I sent the Boobie-thon. Enjoy:

Now go, donate, kick down a few bucks to fight breast cancer. If your eyes have stopped bleeding, that is.

Slow night here, so I’m wasting my time at the keyboard taking quizzes and reading blogs I’ve already read and torturing Beth in the next room by blasting country on my iTunes. This little graphic here, the product of five wasted minutes, shows all the states I’ve been in (and I hope not the ones that “vote” Republican next month).

create your own personalized map of the USA