Part of my poker geekery is my ongoing quest for the perfect card protector. A card protector is something you put on top of your cards as they’re sitting on the table so the dealer doesn’t mistakenly scoop them up and fold your hand for you. Different people use different things — I’ve seen people use poker chips, little ceramic frogs, medallions, etc… Everyone has their own lucky thing. And I’ve been searching for mine. And I think I’ve finally found it. Meet SpongeBob SquarePants:

I took SpongeBob to the Commerce tonight, where together we won more than $500. Oh yeah.

The best hand of the night would have to be the last hand of the night. I have AK offsuit and am in middle position. The guy in front of me raises it preflop to $40. I re-raise it to $80 and he calls.

The flop comes 9-9-Q. The guy bets $50, I raise it to $100, he calls.

The turn is an Ace, giving me two pair. He bets $50 again, I raise all-in with something like $150. I now have more than $350 in the pot. He calls. Holy shit. I figure he must have AA and hope that I’m wrong.

We turn up our cards and I’m stunned to see that he only has 8-8. The player to his right, who folded long ago, says “I folded pocket eights!” and my opponent starts pounding the table and cursing. With all the eights out, I’m a lock to win the hand and he’s drawing dead. I don’t even remember what the river was, and it didn’t matter anyway.

$750+ pot, push it right this way, dealer. Cha-motherfucking-ching, baby!

SpongeBob gets to play poker with me every time now.