Poking around in my webstats, it’s funny to see what search strings lead people here to deadpan. Having a blog here called “Diary of a SubUrban Housewife” that frequently uses words like “boob” and “breast” and “sex” and “fuck” and let’s not forget “housewife” in the title … well, you see where I’m going with it — it draws a certain class of websearcher. The one-handed typing kind.

But people have other things on their minds, too, and let me just say: Y’all are some weird googling motherfuckers. Here are some of the stranger keyphrases that have landed surfers at deadpan:

histosalpingogram
olympic spa koreatown
motivational messages for company workers
blog diary hostess flight
erotic tongue depressor
petula clark s birthday
glasses dork
music to drill oil wells by
fistula rectum
beer survey questions
burping dinner table
what is nascar barbie worth?
mother-in-law s lingerie
pie my face
maxiglide hair straightener
pterodactyl shot
long duc dong candles
pregnant turkey baster
coughing up green chunks of phlegm
what do you prefer toaster pastries or pop tarts
best pie in santa barbara
planet urp zoe

And my personal favorite:

abscess forming on gumline after root canal

But you know what? I’m not picky, I’m happy to get readers any way I can. Like the song says, “I don’t care how you get here, just get here if you can.”