John Kerry: “If I’m about to drive into a brick wall, I will turn the wheel. I recognize that sometimes circumstances demand that you change course.”
George W. Bush: “Once I start drivin’, I don’t turn for nothin’. I’m resolute!”
— This ridiculously oversimplified voter education moment is brought to you by the Remedial Driving Instructors Association.
This is what it looks like when you make a sandwich around here.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Elvis tattoo is leaving the building for the very last time.
I’ve changed my voicemail message to say, “Hi, this is Chuck. I don’t work here anymore.”
I’m about to turn in my laptop, and I will NOT be removing all the radio station stickers I’ve put on it over the years:
(Ewww! The VP who reminds me of the Wicked Witch of the West from The Wizard of Oz just came by for a hug — blinking back tears, of course. Ewww!!!)
And since I keep talking about the Elvis tattoo but you’ve probably never seen it, here’s a picture of it:
And now… Now I’m going to reformat my hard drive, power the laptop down, and hit the road.
I’m free.
Today is Layoff Day — or as the company likes to call it, Reduction In Force Day. Today, the final axe falls and the last 20 people go home for good.
So of course the tears are flowing.
Good lord. Already I’ve had two people come collecting hugs and making tearful promises to “keep in touch.” Blech.
People, people! Get some perspective. The only reason we know each other and have spent any significant time together is because we were getting paid to be here. I won’t be keeping in touch with you, not unless there’s a check in it for me. You think I’m going to hang out with you people for free??? Wake up!
Oh, and you people who I’ve avoided and not spoken to for two years? Especially my former manager who wrote me up for basically doing my job? Stop coming by my desk to say how much you’re going to miss me. I don’t care; I’m not going to miss YOU. You’re fucking up my perfect record of getting out the door without ever talking to you again. Just stop. Turn around and go cry with someone else, maybe someone who’ll actually shed a tear for you.
There’s a very small list of people from this company who I think are cool, and those people all got an email from me yesterday saying so and giving them my personal info. If you didn’t get that email…? Take a hint.
(No, no, not YOU. You didn’t get the email? Shit, I’m sorry, I must have forgotten to send it to YOU. Everyone else who didn’t get it, didn’t get it ON PURPOSE. You not getting it was a total MISTAKE.)
Hugs and tears, for fuck’s sake. Spare me.