Dear Starbucks Addicts,

Like you, I need my caffeine fix in the morning. Before I leave the house, I brew myself a cup of coffee. I grind a scoop of beans in my coffee grinder and put them in a paper filter suspended over an empty coffee mug. As I’m doing this, I have a kettle of tap water boiling on the stove. When the kettle starts whistling at me I pour hot water over the coffee grounds and allow it to drip through until the cup is filled. Then I drink it. Then I wipe my ass with a five dollar bill and throw it away.

So I’m just like you. But with a freshly wiped ass.