Thank God for the invention of camera cell phones and moblogs. There just weren’t enough out-of-focus pictures of food on the ‘net.

My phone rang a few minutes ago. It was Beth, calling to ask “What does “teabagging” mean?”

I don’t know if I’m proud or ashamed that I knew the answer. I also don’t know if I’m disturbed or pleased that she knew I’d know.

Layoffs are on the horizon here at The Company. My department’s job is to handle converting all of Intergalactic Overlord Parent Company’s radio stations to our software, and we’re just about finished doing it. Once they’re all converted, me and my coworkers are out of a job.

With this in mind, our Human Resources VP has scheduled back-to-back ten-minute meetings today with everyone in my department to help us “explore your options” — and, oh yeah, also to tell us when each person’s individual axe will fall. I’m dressed for the occasion: I’m wearing a T-shirt from one of the stations I converted in Chicago: “Gospel Radio — where the ministry is in the music.”

Yeah, I’m working every angle I can think of. I figure I need the help…

I’ve had a tired grey heap parked in my driveway for so long I’ve lost track — at least a year and a half, maybe more. This tired grey heap is my beloved 1985 FJ60 Land Cruiser, which had fallen on some hard times.

I love this truck. It carried me and Steve into the desert on our quest to hang up the Mojave Phone Booth, then brought us back again when we went Back to The Booth. It has carried me and Zoe around our block more times than I can count, because Zoe loves to ride in the back eating Nutter Butters at 10 miles per hour. I’ve used it as a portable offroad light source when shooting a short movie with my brothers. I eschew the driveway when exiting the local Ralph’s parking lot, choosing instead to drive over the parking chocks, across the sidewalk, and off the curb. I love this truck.

But it’s had some problems. I beat the snot out of the transmission on the way back from Back to the Booth by leaving it in 4×4 on the freeway. The timing chain stripped the gears a few years ago, paralyzing it for a few days. The power steering pump spewed fluid all over the engine. It’s had problems that have been expensive to fix, but I’ve fixed them. I love this truck.

But then the State of California and a squeaky wheel laid it low. It failed its smog test and was certified as a gross polluter and I couldn’t register it. And then California started a new policy of impounding unregistered vehicles on the spot. And then I started hearing a scary noise coming from the right front wheel. So I parked it. I didn’t want to run the risk of A) having a wheel bearing go out at 80 mph, and B) getting pulled over for expired registration, and C) having it impounded, and thus D) being screwed. So I parked it in my driveway at least a year and a half ago, and there it has stood ever since.

But now it’s back, back on the road again. Santa Claus brought me a big stack of money for Christmas and I just spent a sizeable chunk of that fortune at my local Land Cruiser specialist bringing it back to life. I could have just about bought a new car for what I spent on my Cruiser, but then I would have just had a crappy car instead of my beloved Cruiser.

I love this truck. It’s big and fugly and noisy and busts kidneys and guzzles a fortune in gas and it’ll drive over every fucking thing on the road and I love it. I’m glad to have her back.

You know, the really sad thing about the whole Janet Jackson Superbowl Boobie debacle is that the very first time Michael sees a real live naked female breast, it’s his sister’s.

The gurus over at the Movable Type support forum gave me the fix for my column problem — my layout is now set so that there will always be seven entries listed on the index page, no matter how long it’s been since a new one, so the right column will stay where it belongs on the right.

Of course, this means that I now have a license to not post for weeks and weeks and weeks at a time, but that’s just a formality, really. It’s not like I wasn’t doing that already anyway…

Okay, I’m stumped. If any Movable Type gurus out there know why my right column is invading the left one when old entries go to the big archive in the sky — and, more importantly, know how to FIX it — please feel free to let me know. Like, yesterday.

It’s pissing me off.