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October 7, 2003 - Tuesday

 Dixie Chuck

Well, it looks like the recall is passing and Schwarzenegger is winning. The Republican leadership plotted and financed this recall, fanned by the flames of an energy crisis a Republican governor created, fueled by the anger at a car tax the same Republican governor left behind like a hand grenade, and now they’ve succeeded in stealing an office they couldn’t win (twice) in a legitimate election.

Un-fucking-believable. I’m embarrassed to be a Californian. That my fellow citizens can be so blind as to be manipulated into throwing out the guy they elected barely a year ago and replacing him with a puppet who has no plan, no experience, no qualifications and no class, is just flat out embarrassing. The electorate truly is a gang of mindless sheep who can be led by the nose.

The last time we put an actor into office out here, we wound up with the Republican party’s Great White Dope, Reagan, king of “Spend and spend” government. I hope we don’t see a repeat of that, because Zoe’s going to be busy enough already paying off Bush’s deficit when she grows up. I don’t think she’ll be able to afford another Reagan.

But I guess we’re getting the government we deserve. My only consolation is that I didn’t choose it.


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 Motivation

The living hell that is National Customer Service Week continues. Following is the inspirational email that just hit my Inbox, with my own comments added just so I can vent.

What a week so far! Today was filled with Sweetness and Motivation!

In celebration of National Customer Service Week we motivated the team with an extravaganza of sweets including pies, Krispy Kreme donuts and cookies here at (Company Name).

Yes, every job satisfaction survey ever done has shown that food is what really motivates a workforce. Higher pay, flex time, days off, more respect, better working conditions and telecommute all fell far below “Cookies and Donuts” on the “What Motivates YOU?” question on the surveys.

Throughout the day motivational expressions flashed on the Customer Support Reader board giving motivational encouragement to our Staff.

The Customer Support Reader Board is viewable only from the Customer Support Department. Other areas of the office — mine, for example — went unflashed. But I could feel the power of the motivational expressions all the way over here, so I guess that’s good enough.

We are still adding new faces to the Who’s Who board…

Thank God, because there weren’t enough faces on there already that nobody could identify. It definitely needed more. And just a suggestion, but maybe you should move the Who’s Who board out of the dead-end row of cubes where it is and put it where people can actually see the stupid thing without having to navigate a narrow aisle. Just a thought…

Today Development, Trauma, Special Projects and QA were honored for their outstanding contributions to (Company Name) with tasty treats.

Wait a second. I thought the pies, Krispy Kreme donuts and cookies were there to motivate everyone, not just these few departments. I had a donut, but I’m with Field Services. Do I have to give it back?

AGENDA HIGHLIGHTS

Customer Service
Events for Wednesday, October 8, 2003
Wednesday, October 8, 2003:

It’s “Partners in Service” Potluck DAY! Bring your appetites, your Favorite Dish and the recipe that goes with it.

Because nothing motivates and says “Thank You” more than throwing a party for you and asking you to cook for yourself!

Throughout the Day: Join us as we host a Open House in Support. Come drop in and experience our Customer Support Department in action.

Our Customer Support is phone based, so technically I’d need to call in to experience them in action. I have a cell phone, though, so I guess I stand over there and dial from next to the person who will take my call.

Also, get in on the action and play Functional Feud.

Only if I can do it in true Hatfield & McCoy feud fashion and use a loaded firearm.

In addition, Wednesday is also Wear (Software Product Name) Shirt Day! Please do not forget to wear your (Software Product Name) shirt.

I don’t think I’ll be wearing mine — I use it to wax my motorcycle.

Department Recognition: Customer Support will be recognizing Distribution, MOL, MIS and Trainers based in the Southern California Office. Expect a visit from our motivated customer support staff to recognizing the importance of this department!

This sounds suspiciously like Christmas Carolers. I hate Christmas Carolers. I’m expecting a roving band of Motivated Customer Support Staff going from cube to cube singing motivational songs like Kumbaya and Working Off The Clock Is Good For The Bottom Line.

And P.S.: your grammar and syntax suck. They’re there “to recognizing” and you’ve named four departments but apparently only one is important?

Special notes:
Have you guessed ‘who’s-who’ in Customer Support’s Baby Picture game yet? Visit the ‘main isle’ of Customer Support!

No, I haven’t guessed yet. That’s because I couldn’t care less if you ran hot needles into my eyeballs. And P.S.: your spelling sucks! An isle is an island. Morons.

Aaaaalllll weeeekkkk llloooonnnnnggggg this is going on. I don’t think I’m going to make it.


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 Coffee Mugged

My coffee woes continue. I’m back in the home office this week and of course the coffee pot was empty this morning. Fuckers. So, being America’s Coffee Bitch, I made more. I went back for more just after lunch: empty again, I made more again. Again: fuckers. I just went back for my afternoon jolt: empty again. And even worse than that, no more coffee packets. (Well, I shouldn’t say no more, there was plenty of decaf, but we’re not animals.) (At least I’m not.) (Generally speaking.) (Usually.)

Anyway. No more coffee: Fuck. Fucking fuck fuckers.

We have two lunchrooms in my office: the big one, and then a small “galley” over on my end — just a wet bar, really: sink, coffee machine, a few drawers and cupboards. The big one is where all the goodies are, so I went there to restock the galley. Only the big one’s almost out of coffee, too. All that was left there was a drawer with maybe enough coffee for a week. (Again, plenty of decaf, but we’re not animals.) (Well, they are on that end.)

I did the right thing: I cleaned ’em out. I loaded up with as much coffee as I could carry and smuggled it over to the galley. I left barely enough behind to get them through about noon tomorrow, but we’ll be good over here in the galley for about another two days. By that time the purchaser should have noticed they’re out of coffee on their end and maybe gotten off their lazy coffee-swilling-but-non-coffee-making-and-ordering ass and ordered more. And get the good stuff this time, biotch!

Don’t fuck with my coffee. I will take you down. I will take you down to Chinatown.


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 Motivate Me!

Shoot me now, please. The following “motivational message” just arrived in my Inbox:

A man was lost while driving through the country. As he tried to read a map, he accidentally drove off the road into a ditch. Though he wasn’t injured, his car was stuck deep in the mud. So the man walked to a nearby farm to ask for help.

“Warwick can get you out of that ditch,” said the farmer, pointing to an old mule standing in a field.

The man looked at the haggardly mule and looked at the farmer who just stood there repeating, “Yep, old Warwick can do the job.” The man figured he had nothing to lose.

The two men and Warwick made their way back to the ditch.

The farmer hitched the mule to the car. With a snap of the reins he shouted, “Pull, Fred! Pull, Jack! Pull, Ted! Pull, Warwick!” And the mule pulled the car from the ditch With very little effort.

The man was amazed. He thanked the farmer, patted the mule and asked, “Why did you call out all of those other names before you called Warwick?”

The farmer grinned and said, “Old Warwick is just about blind. As long as he believes he’s part of a team, he doesn’t mind pulling.”

Wow. What a story. Doesn’t it make you just want to jump chest-deep into mud and pull your heart out for a stranger? Me too! Who knew that lying and manipulating the handicapped could be so darned inspirational???

I’m reminded of Inigo’s comment to Vizzini in The Princess Bride about his repeated use of the word “Inconceivable!” — “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

And this shit’s going to be going on aaaallll weeeeekkkk looooonnnnggggg.


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 Ahnuld For Governher

Fake, but you know the sentiment is real.

The next Governor of California? Not with my vote.


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 Be Prepared To Be Highly Motivated

Oh good Lord. Our Customer Support Department is running amok and has declared this week to be “Customer Service Week.” Which apparently means annoying the fuck out of me.

The office is festooned with balloons (one obnoxious display is right next to my cube — I think I’ll pop a few before the day is over) and my Inbox is overflowing with emails about how fabulous we all are, how fabulous the celebration is going to be, and how fabulous it is to be fabulous.

Ack.

Via email, this is today’s agenda for the Customer Service Week bullshit:

We’re off to an excellent start! We hope that everyone enjoyed the kick-off breakfast, decorations, and festivities. This was only the first day of the weeklong celebration of (Company Name) excellence!

(Company Name)’s celebration of National Customer Service Week truly emphasizes the exemplary teamwork and effort each department delivers to our customers on a daily basis. (Company Name) is truly an organization that consistently exhibits the qualities of this year?s theme, “Partners in Service”.

We hope that this week?s events displays the admiration that we have, not only for Customer Service & Support, but for each department that assists in delivering knock-your-socks-off service to all of our internal and external customers.

Also, a very big THANK YOU to (Executive #1) and (Executive #2) for their kind and motivating words that really punctuated our kick-off of National Customer Service Week!

(My Department) and Data Conversion were honored for their outstanding contributions to (Company Name).

AGENDA HIGHLIGHTS

Customer Service

Events for Tuesday, October 7, 2003
Tuesday, October 7, 2003:

Throughout the Day: It?s MOTIVATION DAY! Be prepared to be highly motivated as we celebrate our energy-filled company and departments! Positive energy is infectious and displays our enthusiasm to our customers.

Also, look forward to some motivational quotes to brighten your day.

In addition, Tuesday is also DESSERT Day! There will be desserts available in Customer Service throughout the day. Feel free to bring in your favorite cookies, donuts, cakes, pies, pastries, and candy to add to the sugar-filled festival!

Department Recognition: Customer Support will be recognizing Development/Trauma/DBA Special Projects & QA. Expect a visit from our motivated customer support staff to recognizing the importance of this department!

Special notes:
Have you guessed ?who?s-who? in Customer Support?s Baby Picture game yet? Visit the ?main isle? of Customer Support!

This week looks like an excellent time to use any and all vacation time I have saved up.


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