Diary of a SubUrban Housewife

I started the laundry rather late today and washed every single bra and sport bra I own (OK, maybe it just seems that way). Anyway, I started washing late and as the bras cannot go in the dryer they must be hung (for those of you less “in the know”, bras should not go in the dryer, nor should anything with spandex or latex in it if you really need to know).

Anyway, I need a sport bra at 6:00 tomorrow morning and as it is cold and damp tonight, I could not be certain I would have a dry bra in the morning .

Well, they say that necessity is the mother of invention.

Yes, I’m all about the “air dry”.

I got an e-mail today from Saks with one of their (seemingly) near-daily special offers. Today’s offer was Gucci handbags.

Now I am all about a great purse, and have been known to spend what I used to spend for a month’s rent on a single pair of shoes, but this:

Gucci
Medium Flap Bag
Medium flap bag in green velvet with green croco trim and brown/leaf green/brown signature web detail. 13½”X8″X5″. Made in Italy.
DUE TO HIGH DEMAND, A CUSTOMER MAY ORDER NO MORE THAN THREE UNITS OF THIS ITEM EVERY THIRTY DAYS.
$5,380.00 0442184557589

just made me laugh.

But hey, there’s free shipping with every handbag ordered.

I had some friends over last night for a little dinner/card party. These are friends I’ve had for many, many years. Hilarity and a fair amount of drunken debauchery were involved. Suffice it to say that though I wasn’t hung over this morning, I did wake feeling like I’d been rode hard and put up wet. Perhaps the tequila taste testing had something to do with that, but we can’t be too sure.

Like I said, these are long time friends, and I love them dearly.

I made my famous meatloaf for dinner, because I mean really, who doesn’t love meatloaf? My friend Les volunteered to provide dessert. My other friend Kelli brought a backup dessert because she suspected that Les’ dessert involved coconut and she knows I can’t stand coconut.

Well….Les’ dessert did not involve coconut. No. Coconut would have been a vast improvement over what Les brought. You see, apparently Les is having a Halloween party at his office on Friday and decided we were all to be victims of the trial run of his dessert, kitty litter cake.

And for those of you too lazy (or maybe smart) to go check out that link, here’s a picture of what it looks like. And yes, he served his in a litter pan too:

Those brown “deposits” are in fact melted tootsie rolls. The appearance was so lifelike it was mind-boggling.

When he unveiled his creation there was much shuddering. As owners of many many kitties I have a thorough knowledge of what a cat box looks like, and I’m here to tell you, he hit the nail on the head. And yes, I knew it was food. I knew what the ingredients were. But I also knew there was no way on this earth that was going anywhere near my mouth.

Thank goodness for that backup dessert.

So, I had a Close Encounter of the Star Kind today.

A major one.

A major interpersonal star moment today.

Keanu Reeves was at my daughter’s school Winter Pageant. Yeah, Neo. We smoked together outside the theater. OK, I was standing five feet from him, but we made eye contact and nodded at each other.

I like to think he was checking me out.

Now I’m not much into Keanu. He always seemed dirty to me, and not in a good way. But my opinion may be changing. He’s a lot taller then I thought, easily 6′, and was disheveled, but in a good way. Just hanging out and smoking. So….Keanu may be added to my list. He’s gone up many points on the sex-appeal scale, but alas, he’s still in the toilet acting-wise.

OK, and to be totally obnoxious about it, while I was having this star sighting moment, I was standing there smoking and talking to my friend Bob. Yes, my friend Bob was Damone. And he’s actually my friend.

Go ahead, you can touch me now.

I’m just back from my post-lunch smoke break. In the approximately 10 minutes it took me to smoke my ciggie I was alternately horrified and appalled at the things I saw. So….fellow residents of Bunker Hill, and indeed the world, take these words to heart. I mean them with all the love I can muster:

1. If your bra cuts into you so that you look like you have four breasts instead of the usual two, please go up a cup size. It is not a good look. Ever.

2. White panty hose are only suitable for wear by nurses. Even if you are Olive Oyl, they will make your legs look fat. And another thing…white pantyhose do not work with cream anything.

3. Your socks or pantyhose should not ever be darker then your shoes.

4. While I give you credit for taking the bold step of mixing plaids, floral patterns, and stripes, please . . .

5. There are shoe repair shops out there for a reason. Pesky details like new heels and polishing services are available. If your shoes look like shit, so do you, no matter how well put together the rest of your outfit is.

6. Short-sleeve dress shirts are not a good look any anyone.

7. Camel-toe is not professional looking.

I trust you will all take note of these issues and address them immediately. Thanks for helping to make my day just that much better.

You could go a month without sex, but could you get through a day without a good rationalization?

I want to know who decided that cargo pants would be a good fashion statement for the general public?

For your basic Navy SEAL or Army dude it’s maybe OK. I mean, they have military stuff to carry around, right? And I mean, let’s face it, unless it’s dress blues, the whole olive drab tucked into those boots is a big fashion don’t anyway.

But for your average Joe? I’m here to tell you, there are very few (and I mean very few) people who can pull of pockets plastered to their hips. Why anyone would want to add inches there is beyond my realm of understanding in the first place. But to then do it and think you look fabulous?

Think again.