Chuck: (in an irritated tone of voice) Where’s the Razr phone?
Beth: In the pocket of my leather jacket, one sec, I’ll get it for you.
I look in the pocket of my jacket and it’s not there.
B: Did you call the phone?
I call the cell phone. We hear ringing. The sound is coming from behind Chuck somewhere. I go in search.
C: Where’s the damned phone? Every time I turn around the sound is coming from behind me.
C: Oh look, it’s in my back pocket.
A huge thank you to whoever invented tissues with lotion.
The absolutely most spectacularly worst day you can have goes a little something like this:
1. Wake up sick (yeah, with that thing that everyone has).
2. Find out that an entire pallet of glass panels somehow got “misplaced”.
3. Find out that your Korean manufacturer who produces low-priced furniture isn’t such a bargain after all since they charge you every time you call them; every time they mis-specify product; they cannot tell you when your container ship is going to dock in the US until about 20 minutes before it does, then tell you you have 2 hours to unload the container which is stacked floor to ceiling and side to side with disorganized product or there are charges; that unless you pay them an extra $350 they cannot guarantee your delivery; and that if you want your product delivered the day after Christmas there is a storage fee for five extra days because they have to load the truck on Friday to get it there on Tuesday.
3. Have a huge wind storm causing tree branches to land on the power poles that service your house, resulting in first intermittent power outages, then a full fledged power outage that lasts about an hour and a half (while you’re trying to work from home).
4. Inadvertently reformatting the hard drive on your computer because you’re too much of a ninny to ask your husband what the problem is and why it won’t boot up.
5. Getting a really nasty e-mail from the cheapass client to ordered the cheapass Korean furniture because they keyboard trays they’d had for a week and didn’t bother to tell you about ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO BE INSTALLED BEFORE 6:00 IN THE MORNING. Oh, and that e-mail will be cc’d to everyone and their uncle. And in that e-mail you’re called incompetent.
6. Going out at 9:00 at night with your husband and daughter in tow so that you can make sure that the fucking keyboard trays that actually made you cry can get installed.
7. Tripping over a chair mat and wrenching your back as you spin to try to avoid smashing your face.
8. Your foreman forgets to tell you that you’re missing about 150 skins for the panels for the cheapass nasty Korean-furniture-ordering-client-who-already-thinks-you’re- incompetent’s project, so there’s no way you can meet an already impossibly tight deadling.
9. Puppy sitting (because you know, when you already have 11 pets what’s one more to keep track of????).
10. Getting your period.
I have to go have a drink now.
I received a fax today from someone named Ringga Bell.
Over the last week or so we’ve had a number of people traipsing through our house en route to our freshly cleaned out garage to inspect the fridge we have for sale.
A woman and her son came by this evening to have a look at the fridge. To get to the garage, which is in the back, they went through our living room. While passing through, the livingroom we passed our new couch, a lovely deep red (tomato according to the fabric swatch) sectional. She said she loved the couch, and particularly the color because, she said,
“We’re doing our living room in NASCAR and that couch would go perfectly!”