There are records that reflect the glory and beauty of human achievement, and then there are records that never should have been set. This is the latter — this guy holds the Guinness World record for the (I really hope you haven’t eaten yet) longest ear hair in the world:
I don’t know why I’m sharing this. I guess my brain just couldn’t hold all the disgusting and I had to spread it around.
My wife Beth is a huge LOLcats fan; she sends me links to “funny” ones all the time. The problem is that the lols are made by your average internets user — and even worse, your average lolcats internets user. This means that they’re usually mildly amusing at best and only occasionally genuinely funny — at least to me, and I’ll admit right here to having a slightly warped sense of humor, so I’m not one to judge.
But…
To me, worse than the unfunny lols are the really unfunny recaptions for the lols. Their system is set up so that when you go and check out a lolcat that someone else has posted, you have the option of reposting it with a new caption. This leads to people trying to one-up each other and post better or funnier captions, and I believe that this increases the lameosity index by an astronomical scale.
Here’s an example:
As it stands, this is a pretty clever lol. The cat looks vaguely Groucho Marx-esque, and the caption makes a clever nod to that by using a classic Groucho quote. This is one of the better lols I’ve seen.
But then the peanut gallery goes to work recaptioning it, thus ably demonstrating their utter lack of understanding of A) just how good the original caption was, B) the comedic genius the cat resembles, and C) the context of the quote that was the original caption. Not to mention their complete lack of wit, humor, cleverness, or originality.
These were some of the alternate captions offered for this picture:
…and so on. There were 178 of these disastrous recaptionings after the first one, in lolspeak, “wuz doin it rite.” It hurts my head, it really does. The average person has no business trying to be funny, especially on the internets. They just ruin it for the rest of us.
Funny. Ur doin it rong.
Something I like about living in Southern California:
I learned a valuable lesson on a film set catering truck the other day. I was looking for salsa to put on my quesedilla and the cook pointed two bowls out to me, red and green. I asked him which one was hotter, because I wanted hot. He pointed me to the green, then held up a tupperware container filled with a pink liquid and said, “If you want hot, this is hot.”
I held my plate out to him and said, “Yeah, give me some of that.”
He hesitated for a moment, looking confused about how to serve it and I said, “Just go ahead and pour some right on it.”
“Right on it?” he asked, his expression doubtful, his eyes saying Are you crazy?
“Yeah, right on it.”
So he poured it right on it.
Oh. My. God. That was the hottest hot sauce I’ve ever had in my life. It was nuclear. It was lava. It was so hot I couldn’t even taste it, my tongue was just a lump of burning, quivering, paralyzed hot in my mouth. I must have rubbed my eye while eating it, because later on my eyelid — not my eyeball, just the outside part of my eyelid — started burning too, and the burning slowly spread until the entire eyelid felt like it was on fire. It was so hot that mere contact with flesh caused pain and suffering. That hot sauce was awesome.
But I learned from it. If ever again a Hispanic cook looks at me like I’m crazy for wanting to use his hot sauce, I’ll be sure to ask him what kind of hot sauce it is. I didn’t do that with this guy and now I don’t know what it is or where to find it to get more of it for home.
I’m still ironing out the bugs in this here new blog. The biggest problem I’m having (until I solve it and discover a new one) is that comments are broken. Sort of.
You can post comments, you just can’t post them on whatever happens to be the most current entry. The magical elves behind the pixels lose their minds when you do that and start babbling about unacceptable and inappropriate and how they can’t find stuff, and then they won’t save your words. But if you want to post on an older entry, well then they’re all for that!
So this is my advice to you until I get everything squared away: If you have something to say here, say it yesterday.
